After a lengthy conversation with a friend who is going through some issues. I've decided to ask all of you readers what you think of a situation:
Two guys are in an open relationship. The only stipultation is no an@l sex. Well, unfortunately, my friend kinda broke that stipulation. Now his bf says he cheated, but had he just blown a guy it would've been fine. So my question is:
A) Does the "no an@l sex" part seem like a legitimate stipulation, and my friend cheated? Or...
B) Is an open relationship an open relationship, doesn't matter which hole?
I expect comments (especially from lots of you people that I know read but never post a comment, thanks).
PS. I'll let you know what I think tomorrow.
UPDATE: Thanks for the responses guys, and I'm so glad that Grace, Twin Sister and Chaka Kahn (aka Chocolatte) responded.
Ok so I lied, I meant to say I'll let you know what I think on Friday. Oooops. Anyway here's my take. First of all, my friend was very honest about the situation and came clean the next day. So he should get credit for that. Secondly, I realize that they had an agreement, and that my friend broke it. But really, I think the only thing my friend is guilty of is breaking an agreement, not cheating. Seriously, to say "you can go blow someone but can't f*ck them?" No. Either you can hook up with someone else, or you can't. Why should the difference between not cheating and cheating hinge on which hole you use?
Double Update: For more thoughts and musings on the subject. Click here, or here.
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9 comments:
At the end of the day, did you friend violate the agreement? That said, did he lie about violating the agreement? Losing yourself in a moment is one thing, lying about the moment is another, n'est-ce pas?
while i have no judgements about open relationships, i don't purport to fully understand them.
to me, making out is intimate. i don't see what is so much worse about doing butt stuff if you're going to be dropping trou anyway. i mean, the heart of the matter is that you're simply satisfying a physical desire, so what does it matter how the job gets done?
that being said, if two people have agreed upon something i'm sure that it's traumatic for one party if the other has crossed the line in any way. there's no way that these guys could think that having an open relationship policy would be completely neat and pretty, right? things happen. if the cheated is really that upset about it, he maybe using this as a catalyst for addressing a different, underlying problem.
okay, stop typing taylor!
He broke the agreement, therefore he cheated.
since i cannot imagine not having an@l to go with oral (it's like raw fish and rice to me), i think the "stipulation" is just bs!
but yea, trust is trust and if you break it, well, good luck.
This is a hard one. Open relationships are tough but they can work as long as both partners agree to the specific limits. But in addition to agreeing to the limits, the partners have to ADHERE to them. Therefore, I suppose you could consider it "cheating".
But, I agree with Taylor where he says "making out is intimate". If you are willing to let your partner do one thing with someone else, why not everything? Personally, for me it comes down to the difference between love and lust. If it is just lust, then does it really matter what specifically happened? For me personally, it would only hurt me in a substantial way if my partner gave intimate emotional affection to someone else - meaningless sex would not bother me as much (it would hurt, but I know the difference). But then, he and I have been together forever! :-)
I also agree with the comments about lying about what happened. If your friend was honest about it and did not try to hide the details, that should count for something.
I hope this makes sense? Heavy topic!
I'm pretty much against open relationships, but that's my baggage; however, I do think that if you're in one, that its an all or nothing deal. Therefore I don't think he's really at fault.
I'll play the devil's advocate. I have no problem with open relationships. It worked for Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney. But... there are stipulations. If you have rules, they need to be said in the beginning so no one gets hurt. Also, the open relationship needs to be started in the beginning, otherwise its just a ploy for one of the people to get off with people he finds more desireable at that moment. I do think that monogamy is unnatural, but with that said i've never cheated on my bfs or tried for an open relationship. I do know I am much too jealous.
So if your friends had a no an@l rule and one broke it, he cheated. However, I agree that the line between oral and an@l is an arbitrary line drawn that was bound to get broken and if the hurt party in the relationship was ok with a blowjob, then he really shouldn't be upset about what happened. But it could be more from a health issues perspective as well. But I think they should be able to get through this and if one is trying to break off the whole thing, then I think its an excuse from deeper problems.
If you have to lawyer about how and when 1/2 of the couple gets to trick... relationship over. If you can't get what you want at home and need to dine out what is to keep you from just going to a new restaurant all together someday. No rule is gonna stop that. The boy should just feel good about being honest but move on before one or both of them gets their feelings hurt.
(oh ere she goes now) If you want to go out and have a close fuckbuddy, then go for it I say. I think 3-ways are cool, if everyone is single - b/c 1 + 2 = someone getting jealous/weird etc.
As long as you are cool and emotionally detached about it then more power to you. Just don't make up all these rules and then masquarade like you are boyfriends. That is what peeves me.
If you need the "bf" term to legitimize your behavior and make you feel more socially acceptable then you prolly shouldn't be in an "open" relationship. That is the way Brian Kinney did things - cool and detached and it worked for him (on TV).
That being said - I ain't judging anyone, I'm just saying people either need to be cool or just not tempt fate. I for one could never be in a open anything b/c I am one jealous bitch :-)
Shit I even beat Taylor's comment length... too much adderall!
To start - he cheated because even if the stipulations are ridiculous, they both agreed to them and he failed to abide by the "rules." That said, people fuck up. If his boyfriend loves him, he should forgive him, recognize that he was wrong and move on.
I won't pass judgement on couples who play. It works for some who can separate love and sex. I don't think wanting to get your dick licked by another guy other than your boyfriend is anything but natural. Men are built to spread the love. I'm sorry but that's science. But we are also built with a lot of other complex emotions that keep us from doing it if it hurts the person we love. However, if it doesn't - well then I don't see the big deal if you get your dick sucked by someone other than your boyfriend if your boyfriend doesn't care. If he does, then that is when you make the choice to betray someone to satisfy a natural urge. In this situation with your friend, he betrayed the agreement. But in the end, he didn't betray the "love" they have. It wasn't like the anal meant anything more to him than the oral. Period.
In any case, open relationships don't work for me. Period. I'm an admitted jealous bitch and cannot handle someone else going down on my man. However, if a couple wants to have me over, well....
LOL.
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