Cell Phone Issues

My friend Sara is having cell phone issues. Apparently she lost all of her numbers (we've all had this cataclysmic event happen at some point) and she sent me an email asking to re-give her my number. This is the email she sent me, I sincerely encourage you to read the whole thing, it'll make you laugh:

A Cell Phone Study

Subjects:

Cell phone (henceforth known as "Subject C" or "C")

Sara ("Subject S" or "S")

Characteristics:

Subject C: 7 months, mobile telephone, Marked suicidal tendencies, certain air of indifference towards completion of job requirements, fits beautifully in designated cell-phone pockets in purses, enjoys losing service only in periods of extreme hot and cold weather to force Subject S to take Subject C outside.

Subject S: 24, Female, Ignores repeated requests by outside contacts to replace Subject C, tendency to anthropomorphize objects such as cell phone, lighters, etc.

Time period of study: 6 months

History of interactions between subject C and S

1) Attempted suicide by C by plummeting 6 stories

Status:

C: Survived with minimal damage

S: Very mild heart attack

Observations: First reported instance of Subject C's suicidal tendencies, Subject S is possibly seen as enabler for allowing Subject C to sit outside on high balconies. Note, Subject S did not institutionalize C at this instance and was heard to in fact laugh and joke about Subject C's attempt.

2) Vow of silence

Status:

C: Inconclusive, due to subject's refusal to speak, sole communication method- vibrations and flashing lights

S: Mild frustration mixed with appreciation of never hearing annoying motorola delivered ring-tones

Observations: It is noted that Subject C did have access to readings on methods of "peaceful protest." Observers hypothesize that Subject C was "acting out" in response to S's cavalier attitude towards C's mental state and instances of what is known as "drunk dialing."

3) Withholding Voice and Text Messages on Subject S's birthday

Status:

C: Appeared content and pleased with self; provided no apology to Subject S, even refused to discuss the situation

S: Appeared mildly depressed and older

Observations: Subject C shows cruelty to S. At this time, S considered sending C for "re-education" at a private institution funded by motorola, continues to profess love of C to outside contacts.

4) Sim Card Destruction

Status:

C: Repeatedly requested for S to "Check Sim Card" and would only put through "Emergency Calls" as deemed by the cell phone, to be only numbers beginning in 9. Shows some concern for subject "S"'s general welfare, but complete disregard of possible social life.

S: grrrr [sic]

Observations: Subject C has forced subject S to finally take note of growing mental instability. Subject S speaks to professionals (Cingular)

5) Replacement of Sim Card, Resetting of Phone Settings, and loss of all numbers

Status:

C: Appears to accept and welcome imminent destruction

S: Regret mixed with anger and frustration

Conclusions:

Marked shift in S's attitude towards assisted suicide; fear of own mental-health in light of Subject C's instability.

Subject C will permanently separate from Subject S for counseling and refurbishment.

Subject S will attempt to retrieve telephone numbers previously maintained by C by writing incredibly silly emails, in hopes that outside contacts will email Subject C with contact information to be provided to Subject C's successor.

Thank you.

-The only thing I changed was the bolding of the subjects, to make it a bit easier to follow. Feel free to pass along, just give credit where it's due.